Life lately: The blues
This is a difficult post to compose. I wanted to share a 'life lately' post and started writing but it became a tedious blow by blow account of NYSC woes. I closed the tab and wondered if I should even put up a post on this. When have you shared too much? I'm concerned about that too.
I can't remember when last I felt this defeated. I'm a Nigerian who schooled and continue to live in Nigeria so you know I've had my fair share of Naija problems. Why is this one getting to me so much? This has to do with my NYSC posting. Now Your Suffering Commences. I used to laugh at this reverse backronym for National Youth Service Corps but it's not funny. It's true. Forget camp, it's three weeks (and I was granted exeat on health grounds). For the rest of the year I was posted to Eti-osa LGA, to a division of the Nigerian Army in Victoria Island. Still close to home. Good news.
The long and short of the wahala is that they chose to ignore my address, my LG, my health as evidenced by a medical report, all their nearby hospitals- and send me to their hospital in Apapa. I understand. There's a need. But there are other Doctors, and this one has a good reason. Plus, I begged and begged as I have never begged anyone before. Perhaps soldier=inhumane?
If you have no "big man" in the army to speak for you, go and die. We need a doctor in Apapa.
I was miffed but at first I thought okay I'll deal. Everyone who's heard is like, Nooo you can't go there. Do you have any idea how it is? Even people that don't know me but hear from my sis. I don't know what it's like. I've never been to Apapa. I've just heard on the radio about the trucks and trailers that bring traffic to total standstill. So I resisted and kept pleading. Now I'm being punished by being asked to come daily and wait all day, only to be told Come Tomorrow. Yesterday I was badly yelled at.
I'm letting it get to me so much. I'm angry at myself for that. Y'all know I like food. I say it a lot. Unfortunately, I lose appetite once my mood changes. I get upset, no will to eat. Because of this daily punishment, I'm not eating well, ulcer's acting up and I'm ignoring the pain. I'm losing even more weight and feeling weak and sleeping too much and not going out (shocking) even with lots of events to go for. Only the daily drudgery in khaki.
It's not the worst thing in the world. Heck it's not even the worst thing that ever happened to me. I know this. So why has it affected me so much? I'm having a serious case of the blues. I'm even slightly irritated at optimism directed towards this. Lol.
This is not how I usually react to things. What is up??
Maybe it's because I feel I'm too old for this. I'm not fresh out of school, that was two years ago. I've written professional exams and then worked for a year. I've been financially independent for too long and now because I haven't earned in months and am still being held up, I might have to ask my parents for support which I would HATE to do. They're very loving and Dad told me "If you need anything, please call."
They know though, right from childhood, of all my siblings I'm the one who would save up my allowance bit by bit to buy what I want, instead of "gimme money".
This is adulthood. If you've been independent before, you know how bad it feels to need help again. My mum says that's irrational. Lol. Bless.
Anyway the sooner they agree to issue this letter and I can get to Apapa, the sooner I can see it's not so bad (hopefully) and snap out of the anxiety.
On the flip side, I have amazing people in my life that have been doing a lot to make me feel better. I love you guys and you know I'd do the same for you. Kiss kiss. Maybe I can afford to be such a crushed flower right now because I have them?
It's not all bad :) Good things have happened too.
I got to be in the pilot epolisode of a cooking show. It's so far out of my comfort zone to be in front of a video cam. I almost chickened out but I'm glad I didn't. The experience was amazing. I'll let you all know when and where it'll air. I don't know yet.
Also, my brothers came to visit for a bit and it was awesome to have all four of us together in one place. It was fun, minus having to cook all the time and clean a lot and manage noise (when I'm not making it myself), but it distracted me from myself for a while. They left yesterday and I miss em.
That's my life lately. Hope you're having a better time.